The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
