I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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