tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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