I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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