Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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