I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
