i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
We have started to decorate penises.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
