you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
