best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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