And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
