I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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