she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
