Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
