He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we're making bets on your personal life
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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