matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
