You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
