My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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