and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize