Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
