a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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