my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
