Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
