Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
