did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
