Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
