yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
