you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
