My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Someone came in the potted fern
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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