He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
