some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
