Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
