mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
God, I missed his penis.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
