her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm both gender and math confused
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
