Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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