Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize