My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't deserve a penis
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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