Its about making memories worth repressing
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
