i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
