so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My cat gives me a boner
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
