I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
