My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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