I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
