What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
