sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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