I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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