First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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