guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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