I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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