I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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