Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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