Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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