im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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