I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My breasts were aching with rage.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
