The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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