The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
