Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
