Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
