I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
