Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It's rum buckets o'clock
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
