Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
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