I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
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