Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
