sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
